Why is my enough never enough

Why is my enough never enough; if that makes sense. I have struggled all of my life with self-control. As a child I was very consistently told that I didn’t need that second helping or that second or third piece of something. I have struggled with weight and body image all of my life and I know that my parents meant well but I am sure did not help my view of myself or my eating habits because I have always wanted more to the point that I will make myself sick having eaten too much and not listened to body signals. As a child I sought to master the art of sneaking and hiding food, I would sneak a spoonful of peanut butter and would then leave spoons in the top of my dresser drawers awaiting the right time to bring them back to the kitchen so to ensure that no one noticed. Ice cream was another thing that I would indulge myself with when no one was looking I would sneak a spoonful of ice cream.

My enough is my never enough with regards to my food habits has followed me into adulthood.  It is no longer my parents attempting to influence my food choices but now husband over the years has attempted to “encourage me,” just today he told me I should leave the ice cream cone for the kids; hint hint- you don’t need that ice cream you’ve already had a bowl of ice cream (shh! he might not have known that key fact but I didn’t care- I wanted more ice cream). Lets just say that this was not the first time and probably won’t be the last, the point here is this- no one is going to tell me what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat. That for sure is some internal message that I have because maybe as a kid I was always told no, no more, you have had enough, etc. YES, I was the fat kid! I was the kid called elephant and fatso in school. Kids are awful. My mom had to shop for me at a “special” store for clothes, which by the way, in the 80s was Sears!

I have a poor sense of self, I have most- to all of my life. Can you blame a girl though, I mean I was taught at an early age that my body was not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. (AGAIN, this is not a bashing on my parents or my classmates who made fun of me). But that is hard to come back from! I do understand what is in my realm of control and what isn’t (sometimes easier said than done). For instance, as an adult and having the buying power I do not have to purchase unhealthy and processed junk food (but I do). I can make the time to chose healthy choices (but I don’t). I can make time to exercise (but I don’t). And I feel crappy about my body. What’s not in my realm of control- my past choices, the choices made by my parents, the things that have been said to me over the years about my weight, to name a few. The moral here is this- I want to and need to have a different relationship with food, not because my parents want it for me, not because my husband wants it for me, not even because my children want it for me- but because I WANT IT FOR ME!! And I want to be a good example for my children and grandchildren.